Wake me up when September ends.

How can a month evolve a person into a complete stranger to himself?
I hardly know myself and i've forgotten what i pursue in life like i used to. It has been a very turbulence month for me from work to friends and towards someone whom i have affection for.

I knew disaster is bound to hit me one of these days from the procastination act that I have developed since beginning of the month. What's even more pathetic is the fact that only my blogs hear my whines. I'm so fucking introvert it depresses me whenever it pops into my head. I chose to live this way and it's my decision to stay that way.

I badly need a break from reality and jump straigth to a deserted island. Forget everything and start writing on the sand. Or deep into the water and scream as loud as I can. Honestly, I'm not happy at all , and if i'm smiling, it's just a mask.

My mom could see through my fragile face and jsut the other day, asked me whether everything is alright. I lied to her not wanting her to worry about me. She has enough worrying to do then to take care of me. I'm 24 for christsake, i need to sort it out myself. However, I'm not sure where to begin.

Morale has reduced to zero and the enthusiasm remains below par level. For the past few days, i've been a total moron neglecting alot in life which jeopardises my current state. All i can come up with are lame excuses to run away whenever i can. Dont remind me, i feel shitty myself.

Just today, I almost hit rock bottom and was trying real hard to climb back up and forget about the day. Ended up going against my words and commited a sin. Few puffs away and I'm back on my feet. I guess I'll be relying more on it than I used to.

Lucky for me, the night was fruitful with food and booze. It was one of the bosses birthday and we had a bash in the office. Managed to gobble up a few slices of pizza and was constantly hiding myself from being a victim of alcohol. Tried to hide many times, but many times I failed to do so. I wasn't drunk though, just enough to stay concious and drive back home.

There were girls, and it was wild. I stayed low profile but ended up being molested. =.=
Seriously. It was scary.

Then it came clear to me, it would have been better if I spoke with you tonight. It didn't happen but I thought about you throughout the night, where could you possibly be right now, or what you might be doing at that very moment.

Decided to call it a day so i drove home alone with David Tao playing on the background, I couldn't understand a single word he was singing, but it sure is depressing just to hear his voice..

It hit me so clearly then, that I actually do miss you.

Putra Jaya

Ever wonder what happen to your moolah from taxes? Part of it went to feed our beloved king and most of it went on to build roads .

I was driving in Putrajaya just yesterday ,trying to look for Carrefour but ended up getting lost in a land where state of the art buildings are built. One word, amazing !
If you are looking for really nice designs from buildings, putrajaya is the place. It really gives u the feeling that you are already in the future. The roads are so wide, it puts our highway to shame. The solar street lights blends in with its unique design. And guess what,there wasn't any rubbish anywhere on the road !

If you add concept cars into the picture, you'll get a taste of what future look like. However, your joy will only be shortlived, because during my journey, i could not spot a single chinese and indian soul walking or driving on the road. It creeps me out! Prolly hiding at home counting the chickens? Who knows.

Nevertheless, its a great place to stay if you are willing to give up entertainment and don't mind paying for tolls. In exchange, you'll get a peace and quiet home, away from pollution and traffic jams.

That's how i spend part of my Sunday. Getting lost =)

A happy post?

I wanted to be among those lucky people who found their soul mates, but being there just seem impossible right now.
And I thought the journey has begin, until it hit me that i'm not even close to the surface.
Do I step foot into the calm water and wait for it to ripple? I have doubts about going deep, for I may not know what's beneath the tempting water.

I walk alone sometimes, to the park nearby my house, or to the nearest burger stall just to satisfy my craving. Yea, I'm seriously out of my mind , alone outside in the neighbourhood , on foot in the dark and exposing myself to stray dogs and orang minyak. I needed time alone , so this is what I normally do when the sky turns dark and when i can't sleep. =)

I walk !

Crazy as it seems, somehow it calms my day and resets my tired mind. I don't carry my phone around , only few bucks enough for my burger and drinks in 7-eleven and not forgetting my ID of course. I live a very boring life now, revolves around work , friends, sleep, yumcha and looking forward to the weekend. Nothing spectacular to cheer about. Adding to the agenda is my will to finally stop smoking and booze. Occasionally drinking , maybe la, but right now, I'm back to second hand smoke.

Honestly, no apparent reason at all. Just feel like doing it =)
So far so good i guess.

I can feel the breeze coming through the window right now, so gentle and soothing, like someone breathing next to your skin. Ok this is irrelevant.

Weekend is nearby , and I hope it would be great ! Looking forward to it since my last break. I smell chillis ! =) IS the plan still on?

I wonder again.

Clear conscience!

So i made it through the weekend holding my thoughts to myself.

All i hear is echo bouncing back to me, random whispers buzzing my ear and still images running wildly in my mind. I never get the overall picture though, only blurry most of the time. Maybe I'm just being paranoia, who knows?

=)

I know loneliness is eating me up when I picture myself together with you on a beach and only to realize that it was only a dream.

I wish i could gather enough courage to tell you how i felt about you, especially when you just stood next to me and there's nothing I can do.

The times when you felt that your world is crumbling down because the person you love gave you up, but you didn't realize that there was another person who would give anything just to have that chance.

Why do you set a benchmark and let his world revolves around yours when all he did was break your heart?

You shut your heart and seal it tight as if he's the only one who has the permission to open it.

Sincerity has no limit and I'll keep pouring it to you, hoping one day you will finally pick it up and mend your broken heart.

Let me know, when I can stop chasing your shadows and start walking with you.

For I'll wait the day, when falling in love with you shows no fear of vulnerability but gives you the strength to move on together.




ps: i will post a happy entry next ok =) promise!

Trip through you

I am so tired
Bone-scratched and empty too
Always, I have waited but I've
Never known such wonder
And then you come and touch my face
Then you come convince me I'm safe

I trip through you.

Misery?

How would you know if you had sway from course of nature?

Diversified from the path that you planned to walk and into an abyss.

Knowing that what awaits you from the tiny fraction of light would not be what you were actually expecting.

and the fear of making the next step might ignite a bleak future.

The only thing i'm holding tightly on is hope.

Although hope is merely a word to comfort souls who are lost, i'm still clinging to it for I know it will lead me out from this misery.

what misery you say?

Walking alone in the valley of shadow of death.

KaCheeng !

I'm crapping , ignore this post .

Surviving !

I'm still standing !
I gotta reward myself for going through a week of gruesome working hours and constant away from office to be stucked in traffic jams around KL and still found it bearable to work.

Yippee ! in the process, i had a rift with 1 of the directors and fell sick the following day.

Truthfully speaking, I'm not entirely happy with everything ! I just don't know how to explain in detail what's really bothering me. It's like hanging on a tight rope and not knowing whether to move forward or go back to where you begin and realizing that any wrong turn u make, u'll end up falling into a pit.

I'm completely hopeless when it comes to making decisions.

In the midst of being occupied by workload and stressful environment, i think it's nice to receive
short smses on your whereabouts. It just made you feel good. Dont you think so?

And since then, I have always looked forward in seeing you , and somehow I did.

You gave me a sense of calmness and lifted the burden off my shoulder.

It keeps playing in my head, after sending you home, when will i get to see you again.

A bad twist of friendship.

It's amazing how friendship take a twist when misunderstanding pops up from nowhere

Honestly speaking, I have not a god damn clue what went wrong but somehow, when I came online i was left with an offline note asking me to delete photos in friendster and so on. Hmm clueless ??? Tell ME about it.

Is minding my own business a crime nowadays? I wonder..

Speaking about possesive boyfriend, geez, I've seen the worse today. Thanks for the eye opener.
And girl, it's a shame that this has to end,and I won't wreck your relationship with your bf. I never intended to anyway in the first place. If i did offend you in anyway or made it hard for you, I'm really sorry.

Life goes on, and I'm already in a mess right now with work. These will be the least of my problems. =)

Good luck to you and your future undertakings. Is dropping by a message on your birthday prohibited too? I hope not. Too hard to resist as it falls the same date as mine.

See ya.

Transition

It's Sunday night, I'm not somewhere near my usual hangout place. Stuck with no internet connection and relying on just a pen and paper to kill time.

Third day of long working hours already felt like 3 months of immense pressure. I'm drifting away into something I wasn't expecting. Never expected to be such a rough ride going through all these, from client's complain to travelling aimlessly and getting lost , dealing with promoters mood swing, being ffked by them at the very last minute and finding a replacement at the same time. Too much to bear if you look at it.

Welcome to the real event world.

Comparing this to support center, the turnover rate seems to be much higher. Human will always be human, there are bound to be excuses when an intention of slacking off is there.

I'm trying real hard to build an immune system to counter such event whenever it occurs to me. I guess I can handle the workload and stress at the moment. The thought of giving up came across my mind couple of times BUT it's not the time yet.
Besides, the real challenge haven't even started yet. I have to will to go on, just encouragement that i need.
I'm definitely not looking forward for the next meeting tomorrow discussing about the agenda so far. I need a kevlar vest, anyone has one?

Enough of whining >.<


I hate the fact of walking alone,
to some path I wish we could share,

I never skip thinking about you,
from the moment i open my eyes,
to the time I said goodnight,

most of the time it hurts,
as the more I care,
the further you run away.

I never had the chance to confess,
for I know I can never be another 'him'.
who treats you like a princess
And at times made you his queen.

I don't want to risk our friendship
to an unknown relationship ahead
Because knowing you right now,
is better than not knowing you at all.

I hope when the time is right,
you'll be there waiting,
Accepting a fool like me
willingly, with open heart.

the end.

Floating thoughts

My new job just started today and since then I've been feeling the workload pilling up my shoulders.

I realized i just signed a contract to slavery and the end of my social life. Remember I had a policy of not working on Sundays and it will take a shotgun in my face just to be in the office. I guess I've gone against my word and the meaning of 'relaxation' somehow just evaporized into thin air.

It's only the first day of work and I can forsee myself being a complete zombie for the coming weeks. Part of me hope that I can gather some free time and spend it with my friends and how I look at it , time is not letting me do it.

Yea it's that bad till I don't even remember when my off day is scheduled.

Everything has to start somewhere, and this is gonna be a test of how far I can actually push myself to go further. I enjoy what I'm doing right now ; meeting people and going places, and MAYBE make a name myself. Something is just missing right now and I don't have the courage to pursue it.

You'll know when you are old when ;
You see people your age getting married and start having children of their own.

You'll know when you are busy when;
The only time you eat lunch is by eating it in the office.

You'll know how small money value has become when;
The budget came out and cigerette price went up by 20%

You'll know your previous job sucks when;
the current one has all the benefits you always wanted.

You'll know when technology is the essential nowdays when;
There is no internet connection and you feel oh so shitty about it.

You'll know you miss a person;
When the only thing you look forward too is to see her by the end of the day.

You'll know the meaning of dissapointment;
When your chance of slight happiness ended with rejection.

You'll know the feeling of lost;
When you come home and contemplate on blank hope.

You'll know hope is just a word;
When the feeling for someone just echoes in your heart, and not reaching her.

That summarized my whole point for today. Nothing much about it, just something that I need to pen it down. Besides, this is the only place to turn to when I'm feeling down. I just need to whine, that's all =)

It' funny how I even have time to blog when it's supposed to be my bedtime.

Goodnight people. See you soon.