I-Know-I-Made-You-Think-I-Don't.....

You know that sinking feeling of getting up early in the morning ,dragging urself to work and knwing that there's nothing to look forward to?

Feels like being buried in bertimbun-timbun of shit. Disastrous, demotivated and constantly gazing at the clock watching every tiny tick counts.

Backside itchy, went to Groove Junction yesternight to experience jazz music =). Suprisingly, it was totally unexpected and i left the place with good memories. If you picture it to be a dark cosy environment with candlelight lid on every round table, 0r a place to pour the soul out, think again!

I couldn't believe the community of jazz lovers could be such an overwhelm. Well, maybe i jump into conclusion too quickly there, but seriously, it will blow your mind away. The singing, the musicians are simply amazing. They can just be better than an ordinary rock band, anyfuking time.
Plus, the ladies drool over them -.-

Thanks to 5 love ladies, we get to sit in the jam packed bistro. Thanks again , and u know who u are ;) Blog stalker.. ehehe

I had a splendid evening and it has been ages since i last felt such way. It's a weird addiction in such a manner that i'm so looking forward to the next one. Maybe i'm deprived from the opposite sex for far too long and when something wonderful like this came into the picture, it was too much to resist. There are times where i kept reminding myself that it's too good to be true and feels like a dang good dream.

A dream that i would rather not wake up to. A dream that i would rather live in.

But i know, sooner or later, i will wake up. Back to a place where the only common thing we share is just the sky. And that time comes...

have mercy on me and spare me the tears.

Believing

A day before , for 6 years i was not the man i used to be.
The lingering thoughts of regret kept playing like a broken record.
Not till recently when the weight was lifted and if you were to guess it, it would be her.

So like many years before, i took the initiative to drop a wishful message on her big day and as usual, she would say thanks.

These year however, took a twist.
It made me smile for i know that at least my thoughtful actions ended up somewhere.

I realized that i'm filled with emotions lately, and the very least i know i'm walking on a steady ground and what im actually dealing with. I have needs and the hunger that drives me to achieve this needs are beyond words that i contradict myself most of the time.

The good thing is im opening up now,one thing i find hard to do for a long time. I've been spilling out skeletons in my closet to one person I wish i knew earlier. I know she wont agree with me on this and time isn't the best thing to look forward to.

Everyday, i kept reminding myself how lucky i am to have my family, my bros, my friends and recently that person who made me realise what i've been missing out.

I guess It's never too late to start believing.

Many of u who knew me would know that sometimes i drift away. I drift away from the things i love because i know and learn that nothing is permanent. I try not to get attached to things i love solely because i know i will be deeply scarred if i were to lose it.
A minor slip, a mistake, whatever, i will not feel the same again because deep down i do care. Very hard to please am I?

When i said don't treat me so nice, i actually meant i'm scared. im afraid of changes, im afraid to lose the thing that made me believe i had a purpose the next morning. It made me a dysfunctional creepy person. I'm sure i made alot of girls ran away because of this. Honestly, nothing to be proud of here.

Yea, and if you're having a rough day, try looking at a sleeping baby. Suprisingly, it keeps the mind calm.
Works for me .

Dumbstruck

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you.
They didn't ask for it.

They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages.

It gets inside you.

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love

Stagnant

i follow the religion of Love
a wrong mix of crowd
many-named many flew
all in the nature of Fear

my beloved is three
three yet only one
many things appear in three
which are no more than one

nights i normally sleep
awaken by the silent weep
feelings shouldnt find speed
the more u speed the more u bleed

Short rope of hope
Falls short on grip
my will against my whole
alone against my will

A blessing

I'm infected with the "not-so-keen-2-update-anymore" syndrome.
I have been awfully lazy nowadays and yes you don't have to remind me.
Life's good, at least for me and no complains yet, i hope.

My new found colleagues have been nothing but amazing. Click so well the time is so insignificant. I hope it last for a very long time. M stuck between a fine line between principles and reality. It's really giving me a big headache and I know it's a dead end. I hope something pops up and shed some light to guide a lost soul from walking blindly to a garden of rose. You know those moments when everything feels just right, nothing more nothing less, perfectly time but you know that the outcome will just be another sunset. Distinctively beautiful and can't hold on to.
I'll just sleep with it.

Weekend's gonna be great. M going to attend a friend's wedding of same age. My first time, and can't wait to give my blessings to them. It's also a good time to catch up with friends whom I lost touch with. And due to this, I'll be missing out on the rave happening in KL Tower. M not keen to stretch extra muscle for I'm weak in my knees. I rather be sitting on the patio or sipping juice from Starbucks with my trusty laptop =). Yup I finally own a laptop!! Not a pretty high-end 1, but decent enough to host my Heroes series and camwhoring pics.

If you observe clearly, I've actually lost weight in recent weeks. I managed to shed the tummy due to appetite lost and I'm hoping to gain it back by munching down Italian food. So anyone who's interested for pasta, or pizza, do cal me yea ! I need CHHEEEEESEEEEEEEEE!

I just stared blankly on this screen for mere 5 minutes and nothing seem to come out. Next time, cya

A big shout out to Lee Tze Vern " Happy Birthday Yo!!! Been a great 6 years of friendship , SEe ya real soon!"

Apologize

We have to at some point in our life

Why not we start now?

So long so wrong.

Do you see cobwebs?
Imaginary, i do. I'm a lazy ass bastard who has given up on writing. Not permanently. You know, just waiting to get back the passion. The one I had before died together when the door was shut, the key dropped in the sea of confussion.
Life's been good so far. Alot of suprises and I seem to like the mundane commitment now. Work's great, no complains yet and the bunch of people in the office are just easy to hang out with.

I had wild nights of insomnia lately and tonight is one of those days where I can't seem to be able to fall asleep. I've watched two sappy romantic flicks back to back hoping that it would bore me to sleep, driven to the wall by an irritating mosquitoe and annoyed with the constant motor noise caused by the air-cond.Somehow, I just couldn't fall into slumber mode. So that's why I've decided to be here.

For a span of two weeks, I have been absorbing quite an amount of both fruitful and not so fruitful events. We all lose our head and snap at people, sometimes, unconditionally and unintentionally without realizing the consequences of such impact. Forgive and forget, that's what we do after such occurance. Morally speaking, to lay hand on another person, what more a female is pathetic. An argument can spark instantaneously when the mind is not in the right state and needless to say there's no law stating the rights and wrongs of being a human being. But understand that we live in a civilize society, and we crosspath with peer pressure. I may not understand what you are going through but as a childhood friend, I understand the feeling of being cornered, neglected and helpless. I've been through those shit in life and it's way much better living in hell. My point is, there's always someone who would sit down and have a cup of coffee with you , drilling down the core of the problem so you don't have to go through it alone. I hope I've send you a clear message of what friendship actually means in words because I know if I would have say it straight to your face, it would only sounded more like rubbish. I hope things work out for you and her.

More to come soon , and if you're feeling 'spongy' KIV. I have alot to share, just very little time.

toodles.


Vips' on the deck with the 'cup' =) .

When we were young.

I just love looking at still photos of the past.

How we can live those days with nothing but joy and fun and no worries.

Especially moments from a birthday party.


Simply priceless.

Not so secretive afterall.

Secrets.

We all have dirty lil secrets that we swore not to tell anyone. Not even in a game of truth or dare will the secrets unconditionally leaked out. We all love to hear them, and we can be persuasive to the point we are willingly to go a mile in obtaining the correct source. Unethical.

Often secrets are told when we are not in the right mind of state or when we want someone to pass it on the another person. It gets lonely when you are just keeping it to yourself and eventually you have the urge to simply slip out of your mouth. Whether we are drunk or during a slumber party. We only tell it to the people we trust and we assume that they will keep it with them. I believe so.
What we won't tell won't hurt. I always believe that. It relates alot to living in denial.

Secrets. You have two ways in looking at it. You can either be damn happy, or damn miserable. The way it is told plays a huge part in getting the message across. Nevertheless , it has to be dealt with. Face the wrath , take the leap , unwind the truth , open the door , whatever it takes.

The amazing thing about secret is the after effect. It no longer becomes a secret. It no longer ties you down and you can start becoming a normal person. It's that simple. No rocket scientist formula behind it.

Some secrets so big it can eat up smaller secrets. Some so strong you can sense it coming before it is told. Some so spontaneous you don't see it coming and some so painful you don't want to even think about it.

I have my fair share of secrets today. The cat is finally out of the bag and there's nothing to do except accepting it. It's depressing at first, but if you actually look at it in a different perspective , it ain't that bad afterall. I'm glad it happened. Especially when the new year is about to usher in. The countless nights of walking pays off decently.

time to pick up the pieces. =)

Happy chinese new year everyone!

One of those days

Tonight was a good night to walk. My cravings for an ordinary Ramli burger is just another side reason. The night is eerily quiet when there are so many thoughts running inside your head. I took baby steps and obviously enjoying my lone moment. I feel safe with the well lid street lights and the constant patrol of our friendly neighbourhood guard. Not that I remembered paying for their service, but the presence is enough to feel secure.

Valentine's coming. It will be another one of those years again. Having said that, I don't remember spending a fortune on gifts, flowers or dinner. Seriously 14th of February is just overrated. The only day that restaurant gets to suck all the juices out of your wallet and the food will eventually taste so bad it's a disgrace to even pay for such service.

I'm not a Valentine kind of person and never will understand the hype surrounding it. Why wait for the only day of the year to show you appreciate that someone when you can do it every single day.

I'm having one of those days again where I have so many things to say but eventually it all evaporate away once I start putting it in words. I hate it.
Pain, that's what I'm feeling at the moment. maybe I like the pain. Maybe I'm wired that way. Because without it , I don't know maybe I just won't feel real.
So I went to the doctor. The doctor who stitched my wound, I like her. She gave me pain killers for the pain. She's also honest and charming in one way. Like any doctors, they wouldn't lie to their patient. She wouldn't too.
Lying. Something we practice ever so often. Not like we want to, but it just slips right through our lips sometimes.
So;
"No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. So we lie."

Pain hurts. Lie hurts ; Therefore Lie = Pain

New Career Path

Title says it all. After a third successful interview, I'm officially going to work in Tele Dynamics Sdn Bhd, a subsidary business solution company from Toshiba. I was deceived by the title "Management Trainee" posted by jobstreet. When I turn up on Saturday for the 1st interview, they actually offered a different position as stated. Malu like baboon only when I entered the room.

Lucky or not , I still aced it. The secret of it all, just smile and pretend you know everything. Hahaha

Seriously. just show a pleasant face and hope for the best. Don't show the muka sepuluh sen or muka emo enough already.

Today was my second interview with the CEO of the company , a japanese guy with great vision, Mr.Takahashi Watanabe. I shook his hand, and listen to his kind words of advise about the job scope. Being in the room with the guy who made everything possible is really amazing. Though he still talk with a heavy Japanese accent, his English was not too bad at all. I could understand, most of it.

3 jobs, 3 home runs. Let's see what happen next. Most likely, I'll be staying for a long long time.
Ask me again a year from now =)

Bread Crumbs

The fog so thick my vision was blured
I walk up to your front door
with great hope on one hand
only to be turn away by dissapointment

The next day is an excuse to run away
New environment , new prospect
A brand new beginning
Just what I needed, desperately.

I couldn't sleep these past few days,
I looked at you as the person I could talk to
All I get is a load of static
So severe it's un-saveable

On and off, I look for something inspiring ,
A comfort zone away from dissapointment,
A barrier of white lies,
and choices of word to soothe my soul

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it , all we really want is to be close to somebody.
So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

Farkiew no time

Literally Fucked

Up , Down , Left , right

fucking blogspot pissing me off as well.

ta

Through Glass

OUght to be in your playlist.

Out of reach

That fine fine porcelain,
Displaying gracefully in an antic shop,
The little note written could not be seen from afar,
"For Sale" it says, that answered my curiosity.

The bell made a clear sound of my presence
A young lady stood up behind the counter
Baring a rather familiar face
One I've seen many times, only uncertain where.

I enquire about the priceless piece,
The only one that outshine the others.
The one and only that caught my attention.
I silently told myself that It has to be mine.

A pinch feeling of dissapointment fill the air,
I was told that it belongs to someone,
Someone who already knew the value,
Oh! what a great bargain he's 'bout to get.

Lucky him.

I walked away in despair,
Contemplating on what I've missed out,
I'll just have to look out for another one,
It won't be easy, It never was in the first place.


If only she knew...


how important that porcelain meant to me...

Strange Condition

Running away,
nowhere to go.
Cold shivers running down my spine
only a worn out coat to keep me warm,

I long for
A cup of hot cocoa, and an Amos's cookie
Particularly chocolate chip and pecan , my favourite!
such simple pleasures doesn't come easy these days.

The girl in black
color of my mood
her smile so natural
living me insane

waiting for the last bus
with a quarter on my hand
I wonder how far it will take me
before I can see you once more

things i love
are often shortlived
either fickled mind
or stupidity

whatever it is , wherever I am,
I'm just me

A stranger to all.

Life after Hope

Usually, a good movie is often judge by the ending.
Or how a reader tells if it's a good book by reading the last chapter.

Closure.

To end things in a good note. To move on. The closure in life are often left unnoticed living a huge scar behind , waiting for time to heal the wound and hoping for a miracle that one day go back to where it all started out, the past.

I was diliberately blinded by the fact that it wasn't over, that somehow one day in the tiniest percentage of humanity that I still stand a chance.I guess that's why I still held on to it. I should have seen it coming a long long time ago. Should have clarify my credential and made everything crystal clear and full stop. No turning back.

Not anymore.
I've gathered enough courage to ask what actually happened. I needed to know. And most importantly, I needed to move on. She gave a very logical explanation that we were still young and naive back then and she didn't actually knew what love is until after college. I just told her that some people don't even know what love is right till today; and I think it's so very true.

I felt relieved , partly sad, but mostly relieved that the weight I had in my heart is lifted upon years of holding back my thoughts about the x. I never felt such boost of confidence before in my life. You know how surfacing from water feels? It's great, dealing with your fear , knowing the truth and although it hurts sometime, it's not as bad as keeping it to yourself.

I ask myself , "what's next?"

Swim my boy, just go with the flow.

Spot lights please?

You know how girls go crazy over lengchai male artists.
Oh how they just idolize and adore the good looking ones as if they've seen a God walking on the street.

Even my mom, of all people join the millions who would go googoogaga over Rain the Korean phenomenon.
Not the fanatic type though, luckily.

I still scratch my head sometimes.

So, I was browsing through the internet today,
and I found this website.

It gives hope to ugly people like me.

check out the result.





Super bangga gila babi cannot sleep !!! 70% lookalike wei, dun pray pray.

It just made my day. =)

Now, to tell her that her son resembles her idol,
hmph..... how do I even know where to start.

"Ah ma! Ngo Tak Jor La!!!"?



ps: sorry had to remove the Kelly lookalike. hehe anyhow, i think she should be proud. 96% sial!
wah lau eh

Bubble Talk

Communication.
It's the first thing we really learn in life.
Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say.

Or how to ask for what we really need.
I don't deny having a hard time expressing myself, and the more i keep it to myself, the more its eating up inside of me.

Why is it sometimes it's hard to even say a simple hello.
What more trying to convey in text messages.
Bold, courage is something I don't have and in return, I'm an expert in hiding my own feelings.

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about.
Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer.

Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do.

Some things you say because there's no other choice.
Some things you keep to yourself.

And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

Wouldn't it be nice if conversations are made out of comic strips?
Delete , refer back or just edit what we've just said for a better understanding.

Communication, what a funny thing to do.

Unproductive

You cannot imagine how I spent my day today.
It has to be the most UNPRODUCTIVE DAY ever recorded in the working industry.

SEriously.

I just stood in the office with a bunch of open-minded colleagues and start talking about sex. =.=

Sex , sex and more sex.

Not interesting enough? someone had to give me a Condom survey to do. How bout that!

I even managed to bore a few victims with a long spam message of "Boooooooorrrrrriiingggggggg!"

Some went offline straightaway, Some asked me to STFU, and some just didint' even bothered to layan me. So mean the people i mix with . Hehe

I couldn't log in to blogger, and if I did, i would have written the longest post EVER.

As I was talking today, somehow it hit me , that I badly needed a hobby. So I've decided to either do cooking or cycling or prolly both if I have the time.

If you have any contacts regarding a cooking class near Klang Valley, please oh please be a saint and recommend to me because I think the only thing that will piss my mom off is to cook better than her =)