Mystification

Look above your head,
The chandelier suspended on the ceiling,
can you tell, when you are not looking
how crystal and light can blend so well?

I ponder hard, with walks
but it failed to turn this enigma around.
this paper dove, flawless as it folds
not a childs play, but work of an art

Lotus seeds in muddy water,
Hard as it may seem, i have to find the roots
I need to step out from this shadow
Feel the light, or just to feel alive.

We laugh too soon and cry too late,
Is your heart telling what you should hear?
Or are these just comforting words
To let you know it's okay to be there.

I still dream of Boston sometimes,
A new beginning to mark an ending,
Will it knock on my door and come my way?
I hope it does, only God knows when.

and the song kept playing...
I was alive from the first
Now I'm denied by the ghost of you.

=)

That Jaded Eyes

The sun was two steps too close with his waking eyes
Causing a temporary blind to his dreamy eyes
what he see is unfortunately not what's in her eyes
nevertheless, it was nothing less than who she is on that faithful night

Bittersweet. Hate it or love it, it's a taste I have to live with.
Holidays are over and somehow it seems to get even better when it's over.
The pieces are slowly fitting in like a random jigsaw puzzle, or are they?
I want to retreat my sword and brace the victory, but I'm choking on uncertainty.

The smell of danger linger like a near edge knife
A ticking timebomb waiting to explode.
Your back against my will, can you hear my heart wailing?
It gets harder each time when i breath u in.

I'm backsliding. I know I am, because I've never felt like this before.
I'm at the verge of being contented, not looking for more, not looking for something better, not even trying. And i think the thought of it makes it even scarier. There's something hidden, like a forbidden jewel, I wish I knew what it is so I can get it out my head.

I want to embrace the sunlight and smell the sweet meadows,
Run up that green hill, and catch the sunrise
Get entangle in that warm arms, or maybe just stay close to you,
Close enough to catch your heartbeat.

Green Hill Race

Have you ever had a moment when you're with the one person in the world you want to be with and the wind is blowing through your hair and the song that just describes your entire soul happens to come on, and then the person that you want to be with happens to love the same song and suddenly you realize you're listening to it together?

And that no matter how crazy your life has gotten there's this one moment...this perfect moment...where you could just say that no matter what happens, nothing can take this moment away from me...

We all wish we had moment like that, but how often do we manage to stumble upon it?
Maybe in the movies, or miraculously when you're least expect it to happen. Even when it seems impossible, don't stop dreaming. Because dreams is what we're made of.

From the beginning

There might have been things I missed

But don't be unkind

It don't mean I'm blind

Perhaps there's a thing or two

I think of lying in bed

I shouldn't have said

But there it is

You see, it's all clear

You were meant to be here

From the beginning

Maybe I might have changed

And not been so cruel

Not been such a fool

Whatever was done is done

I just can't recall

It doesn't matter at all

You see, it's all clear

You were meant to be here

From the beginning

As Long As it Matters

How can I find something
That two can take.

Without stumbling as we walk into our future's wake?

I'm like a broken record that you can play,
repeating as if it matters.

Everything I want to say,
I'll be alright.

As long as it matters,
As long as you're here with me now.

Forget that time,
It's nothing we touch and see.

All is fine,
even as it crashes down on me.

I'm looking around,
There's nothing that I could want,

More than to tell you
There's no more than we've already got.

As long as it matters,
As long as you're here with me now.

The bottle of whiskey

12 years, is how long it should take for a bottle of scotch to taste good.

Of course, the longer it is, the better it gets.


humans will always be human, somehow, i think God made us this way,to be imperfect, to make mistakes and to learn from it, to overcome and be strong,to imagine the impossible, to serve a purpose.I haven't found my purpose yet, but 1 thing i'm certain is that He's gracious enough to leave trails of footprints in my heart. He left lights burning so i don't go astray, for as long as it should before they die off.

Negative elements shakes a person emotionally. From Hatred, to betrayal,to dissapointment,and anger,and in a span of 7 days, I've inflicted it upon to people i love, people who had footprints in my heart more than I could ever inflict my whole life.


A good friend said i've practiced miscounduct, that statement sure felt like falling dominoes. It hit me and brought me back to the humble ground. I haven't slept for a day, just stared blankly at the ceiling thinking how to resolve this issue.I'm not seeking sympathy nor apathy, and trust me when i said it troubles me, it really does.

An uncaring person would not even give a flying kite on what's happening and act selfishly.It wasn't to your liking, maybe i should be more honest to you in the first place.But how sure are you that it would be any better? If there's a chance, right now, since I know, the impact it has done to you, I would have done likewise. I would have talk to you and ask your opinion first, to seek your blessings. But I can't right now. Tides have change, the trust is gone, and I know you will look at me in a different perspective from now on.

I don't blame you if have grudge or despise me.
All i'm asking is for a little room for forgiveness. Maybe not now, but one day.
Because I believe, that our friendship is worth more than that.

Sorry.

The Pledge

Prayer; they seem powerful when done persistently, without losing much and always hoping that 1 day it will come true.

I have a few drafts hiding behind this post. None of it came into a completion till now. I apologise for the inconsistency.

The skies are clear, bright blue and they look promising. I've longed for days like these. Days where I can walk out with a smile grinning on my face. Days where I can finally put a full stop to my sadness. Days where I can walk hand-in-hand, looking forward and not having a single thought of turning back.

I've asked the same question myself. Where have you been all these years?

I'm not complaining. He has his way on his wonders and the timing couldn't be any better. Perfection i must say. I'm thankful for the footsteps u have placed in my heart recently. We might be boarding an express train but deep down, it sure felt forever.

Words I use may seem blunt, but the feelings i have, i assure u, will only grow stronger. I will take every opportunity to blow ur dark clouds as u have done the same for me. Lid the light from your darkest hour, and replace that sad eyes with nothing but happiness. This is my pledge to you.

For you have cast a spell on me, with ur laughter and sweet gesture, like a drug without a cure.
Soon is what i look forward when i wake up in the mornings.
We'll make it through, day by day, to our outings, to genuine memories we promise to build, I will be by your side.

I have a reason to stay now. Stay still and breath you in. You've showed me the reason to start believing.....again. Forever is not what it takes to find happiness. It's in front of me now.
Let's enjoy what's install for us.

See you soon. ;)

One week

A week from now, I'll be gone
few thousand miles away to a foreign land
to renew my memories, to make new one,
to make something out of nothing.

A week from now, I'll be thinking
How amazing these few months has been,
that new months are ahead of me
is a mystery i do not want to unfold.

A week from now,I'll be missing
the nasi lemak and the wantan mee,
my character i left in the virtual world,
and my daily doze of fix i left behind.

A week from now, i'll be hoping
That when i return back from my holidays,
i'll be much stronger than i was before,
and free from the chains i put myself in.

A week from now seems like a year
How i wish i can just put myself where time doesnt exist
Or where a place that nobody knew who i was
Just an average Joe with nothing to prove.

I love Malaysia!!!!

Renewed my passport today and to my suprise, the immigration department was living up to its motto "MESRA, AMANAH DAN TEGAS dan KHIDMAT DENGAN SENYUMAN"
The service was good and efficient as compare to many bad experiences before hand and i must say, they are still good ones around.

Those that deserve to be shot at are the ones with no moral constitution to care about others. How hard is it to follow a simple mindset of keeping quiet in the cinema?

We're not leaving in a stone age nor are we not well educated in our country. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this people? Are they acting dumb or did their parents drop them when they were a baby? Retards. I didn't spend 10 bucks to hear your pussy giggle or ur gayish conversation with your friend. If i need narration, i can read from the fucking screen. Mahgehaichaocibai.

I don't usually get tick off easily, but yesterday my blood was boiling up to my head that i had to keep reminding myself not to make a scene out of it because it's Transformers.
A piss-off stare obviously didn't work.
A verbal insult didn't work either.
So maybe a whack in the head ought to do the trick next time.

It's really saddening to even claim that we're in a developing country. With people like that, i don't think we're going anywhere far.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, go figure out who runs the country.
Thankiew for ruining my movie. Thankiew for the wonderful scent from your feet. Thankiew for making another reason to hate 'you' even more.

Ciows

Missing Sunshine

It's funny how we relate our life with the world.

like how we see dark clouds hovering on top of our head
signalling a disastrous day

or how we associate rain as a blanket of sanctuary
that when you cry, nobody knows.

and I was once told that when it rains, it is actually angels crying from heaven.
How naive right?

I'm not sad nor depress. Hey my holidays are coming, i should be hopping around like the mad dinosaur instead of sulking in front of the monitor. Right?

It's just July. A month of challenges and bleeding.
A day has gone and i already felt lost. It's not the greatest of feeling and definitely not a pleasant 1 to be in. My fix is temporary gone and I long for it. It's getting addictive, at least emotionally, and I'm in a sucker's position to understand what's really going on. I know, and yet I pursue; eventhough i know i'll be rooted to the ground with thorns piercing through the heart.

I'm making memories out of nothing. Memories i will carry with me till the day you decide to pull my hand away or placed it close to your heart. Either way, you have my blessings.
I planned to write in jargons only I understand, but I figured out if i do, i'll be bombarded with even more headaches.

Shine through my clouds,
Carry away my melancholy,
Flood me with hope,
Shower me with affection.

Oh Transformers,
Thrill me with carburetor,
Bury me in nuts and bolts.
Gratify me with your sexy smoke.

=) it's going to be a long week, happy transforming!

Setting sail, yet again.

Time and time again, I constantly remind myself that everyone around me ought to be happy.

From the stranger who thinks you're weird when you exchange friendly gesture, to the salesman that go table to table trying to convince patrons for a small amount of money or perhaps a friend who've just experience a bad day to a family member who just went through a rough patch.

Inevitably, some part of me want them to be happy even if it means sacrificing part of mine. Whether it's an act of a fool, or some might see it as a feat to gain pity ness and compassion.

How you see it is up to you. I can't control how you see me or how you judge me at all. I don't intend to play God either. I just want happiness to spread around me.
If there's a bill billed to me about the things I do that made another person sad, I'm definitely bound to recieve capital punishment for it.

Pleasing yourself is easy, a large pepperoni pizza and a few mugs of beer would do the trick. But pleasing those around you takes more than just a pizza and alcohol. It takes time, sincerity and in the end, it doesn't guarantee success either.

I'm trying to extend my sincere apology but no matter how I look at it, It's never enough.
Words are cheap and the word 'Sorry' is ever so often taken for granted. If i were to kneel down with tears rolling down my cheek, you wouldn't think it's sincere because the damage has already been done.
No matter how I twist and turn or look sideways to it, what's done is done. That's the obvious fact.

We don't need gifts or roses to say we're sorry; maybe just maybe sometimes a hug does help, but still, how long before it happen again, before we repeat ourselves in commiting the apology act over again?

The lesson here is not to repeat the same mistake because once is enough and twice is just making a fool out of myself. My mistake before was running away whenever something bad happen. Then i realize it's just a matter of time before the truth actually catches up with you.
I still have to face it.

Consequently, I stopped running. Because you taught me too.

And here I am, trying to be optimistic, trying not to be a complete fool, telling the truth on a page where everyone can read.
So the truth is, that i find it hard telling you in person. The truth that has been hiding inside of me itching to crawl out from my tonsils and coming out of as words.

I always hope that one day, when i've gathered enough courage to tell you, it would be different, not through some dreadful words on a monitor screen, but somewhat perfectly fit moment like what we see in sappy romantic movies.
Then again, I do not wish to be playing second fiddle, so I've decided to sail away for now.

Great things happened when I least expect it to, and I've not had any tiny thoughts of regret spending every moment with you, not even the slightest. Because for once in many years, I've never felt so belong before. You made it go away in just a breeze. Thank you.

I doubt I can find anyone like you anytime soon, but nevertheless, I'll never stop looking for someone as great as you.

So for now, I hope that we still remain who we are, and who knows,perhaps one day, things would just be slighly different.
You'll always have a place in my heart, my dear friend.

Always.

Spur of the Moment

Every once in a while, right in middle of an ordinary life, when ur life is not getting any better, u tend to look for a spark. A snap of a finger that says "hey, it's alright, that's life"





I wish everything around works that way, just pure simplicity.





As far as I know, what we imagine is a whole load of crap. Life is about digging deep, climbing obstacle, getting emotional turmoil and hoping that one day things would get better. Sooner or later, anyway will do, just better. And if you just might feel lucky, everything falls neatly into places.


I envy it. I desire it.

PS: Just to kill off the curiosity, the tiny thing between the fingers is NOT what you think it is! I'm NOT that DISGUSTING!

Second fiddle

A true champion is one who's not afraid to lose, but dare to dream. Dare to take chances and never leave room for doubts.
But what creates an outstanding champ is that they don't play second string to another champion. They simply take pride of what they do, cream of the crop.

I have dreams to achieve greater heights, live at will, be the pioneer and lead the way. The basic fundamentals of a leader. One who takes control and pilot.
Yes, i wish to have all these. To have people listen while you engineer the whole plan.

I'm afraid that my ego will swallow me up one day. So momentous that i fall short and when i look back to catch up on my past it's too far behind. Too late to salvage what's left.
I'm fearful that I may lose my mind striving for a dying hope. An inconvenient truth of a cat and mouse game.
The chase is about to end, because i know for once it was so clear, that I'm always playing second fiddle to many things in life.

And God forbid me, from hating myself, I have to. A selfish senseless decision that smashes my guarded heart into pieces.

I wanna lead. I wanna be in front. I want to stop chasing. I know eventually, i will get there. It's just a matter of time again. This pact remind me of who am I , where I stand because I know if I would to appear again in a different time or life, it will definitely be different.

Right now, i'm goin to stop playing second fiddle. Right here, I'm goin to guard my heart.

Just a piece of mind i wish to share out.

Old tune

I can picture myself lying on the beach with my sunnies and a cold mug of beer on 1 hand or warm sand sipping through my toes like walking on a stretch of silky pathway. The imagination part alone is enough to make my heart run so wild as if I'm reaching an orgasm.

Maybe not to that intense la, but still...i can't wait !

Only a month and 7 days before my heavenly escapade to Bali and while most of you are stuck in that working chair of yours staring at the flickering monitor from 9 till 5, I will be staring at God made beauty for a whole week. (No I'm not refering to the guy!! u aint no beauty to me, hehehe please dun kick me out from the room)

Anyhow,not trying to make u corporate slaves jealous la, but i really need this break ! and anyone of you who are willing to fork out airtickets to Bali, u are always welcome to join us. There's still room to sleep. *coughtoiletcough*

wait the toilet has jacuzzi ! no way u're getting near there!

I do believe that some songs are strong enough to inspire a person. Some songs that you listen over and over again it somehow stays with you through bleak moments,and some songs u just grow old with.
Songs and people,they are very much alike. They represent people.

Like if you hear a particular song, it reminds you of someone. Of course if it happens to suit the ear, you'll listen till the very last verse, and the obvious is to skip the track if it brings back bad memories.

I have my fair share of songs for people that i care about. Songs that followed me through depths of hell, and songs that never fail to bring back the smile. Maybe i'll compiled them up just for keepsake.

I'm 24 plus and in a few days time,a quarter of a century old. Yea tell me about it. Just stating it first so you guys can stop reminding me that I'm OLD ! I'm AGED! or in better words, im not getting any younger now , I feel the pinch everysingle second.

But, thank God that white hair is still not visible now, but eventually, it WILL pop out. and I'll start losing hair, I'll get wrinkled up, getting more irritated, deafening and start being more attractive. The prime age is kicking in !

Girls just dig older guys, especially matured 1s with white hair and face of an after effect botox injection. I don't know why, but i do hope that someone would just enlighten me on this.

It will be a quiet 1 this year. No budget to spend like a rich brat as holiday is coming soon and i intend to 'accidently' spend all my cash in Bali.

yea, saddening but true.

ciow peeps

Matter of time

Hey love, it's been a while
God it's good to see you smile

I see you reaching for your keys

Looking for a reason not to leave

I can't do what i do if it's you

I can't do what i do if we're through

I knew her look from behind

I knew her smile from above

These barrier they seem so high
Tiring enough to gaze the height
Mystery lies beyond the wall
Will i get answer if i try hard enough?

Words , they seem so cheap
But can meant a thousand grace.
Staring deeply into your eyes
Fell into a charming spellbind.

Hey girl, I miss you not once
Priceless ones are from within.
You leave me with a heavy heart
Everytime we fail to bid goodbye.

Guess i couldn't resist the temptation to make an entry. this place give me a shelter and a chance to be me.
I actually miss not having it.

Feels like a yoyo these days, happy, sad, grateful, contented, dissapointment, and happy back again. Such a mixture only leave me with greater confusion. A prayer keeps the mind calm and focus, make no room for hesitation and regrets. Trust me, the power of prayer are beyond words.
Let's hope it stays that way for many years to come.

Things are clearer now and should be heading to a better side of the fence. I'm only afraid that the fence on the other side is not as green as i thought it would be. I find myself pretty demanding at times. I want to, but afraid to, if you know what i mean.

i wonder what will life be without your existence? or will i be who i am right now? or will i ever meet someone so amazing as u are?
then i realized that answers to some questions are best not answered. I categorize it under the mysterious of life answer.
I don't wanna know the answers, because i believe u appeared for a reason, and knowing the answers will just defeat the purpose. U pick me up when i was down, showed me all the reason to smile. what more can I ask for.

This journey could never happened at a better time. I can never think of a better time than knowing u earlier somewhere else. And i've already boarded the ship. I admit. I love being on board.
You can say i naik kapal for all i care! The difference between a kapal and a kapal terbang is , when u decided to jump overboard, u survive, and u swim. You swim as hard as you can to find a shore.

=)

Aside from that, the most dissapointing point is when a friend tells you he's different now. That he choose. What made you think you're so different that the friendship between us is merely something u can toy with? Coming from you is such a dissapointment. All I hope for is a room to forgive and i do not want these friendship to just vanish into thin air. Words are cheap, I know, so another thing i wanna say to you is do whatever you want as long as you're happy !

There you go, a whole month of rant sardine into an entry.

I love the day the sunshine sip through the bubbles and shed light into our .........

...

we do not get unlimited chances to have the things we want, and this i know..

but nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could've changed your life

...

i'm signing off from here =)

momentarily

maybe permanent

Staying +

I find the phrase "just forget what happened today" the most deceiving crap ever.
Only applicable if your mental state of mind is made out of plugs and wire.

You cannot forget, but you can definitely move on. Moving on takes time and it's not like something where u can seal it in a bottle and throw it in the sea. It take days and months and for rare cases like mine , i wait for something better to come along.

I slipped and never imagine myself being so horribly wrong in my doings. There is no regrets and it happened. I can't fix the damage but i know on my case i will never ever be so wrong anymore. Anymore.

I made a pact to keep myself from going down and stay sane. I've decided that certain things are made for one another and I have no intention to change the course. It can never change the fact that whatever you do as long as you're happy, it's okay. I shift to maintain what I have now, and i hope it work out.

Im going to stay positive and stop hoping. Ive decided to close the door and leave room to breath. A small hole doesn't hurt as much as giving a whole door. And thank you for bringing Him back to me. I talked,He listened. More than I can ever bargain for.

Break. I'm so hoping for 1 now. July please be around the corner.

Ten Queues

My mind is as clear as the sky tonite.

The wisest of words came spontaneously and points are well taken down. I'm really grateful for the advice given and it couldnt be anymore clearer than putting my legs back on the ground.

Thank you for telling me it's not wrong and asking me to believe that happiness comes from doing as much as you can and not regretting it at the end of the day.

Thank you for telling me not to dive deeper or swim away but to follow where the current flows and hope it lands somewhere.

Thank you for telling me that it's rare to find someone you can click so well with and don't ever leave any room for ignorance.

Thank you for telling me not to take things for granted and giving me back the sense of believing and what I'm capable of doing.

Thank you for being a friend and stop being so busy with work and forget what we are actually missing out on.

Haha. Had a great night and looking forward so much for my meal ! ;)

I'm going to prove that having an entry in my blog is not only when I'm sad.

Have a great weekend !