Muddy water

Yay I'm back from a brief vacation in PD and it was really nice. Could have been better but I'm still satisfied with the presence of non-stop fun and excitement =)

Although at times, i seem to isolate myself from the crowd and for you who didnt notice and did, I'm really sorry. I used to be a bubbly chap during trip and making silly jokes but this one was different i suppose. It wasn't intentional I swear, and I didn't made my silence unnoticed.

I was baffled by the truth of being where i am right now. I'm incapable of making decisions and like many times, i try to get untangled from this web of illusion. Who am I kidding anyway, to fall in love again?

I was browsing through my list on MSN and there was this quote by a friend which really hit me.

"If holding on is as hard as letting go, which would you choose?"

Honestly i will choose to hold on. Because no matter how hard it has turn to, it's always harder for her, and all you can do is hope one day she'll realise your sincerity. By holding on means you'll stick with her through thick and thin, ignoring the negative points and accepting who she is. I presume, that's the least you can do to make someone happy.

Continuosly thinking about it, i get vivid pictures of you in my head and having that tiny moment was enough to force a smile on my face. I'm not a fortune teller who can predicts the future, or a mind reader who can encrypt a person's mind, I'm just an ordinary boy who falls for a girl and not knowing what to do.

I never made my intentions clear and I believe some things are better left unsaid. I'll just wait for the rain to come and wash away my pain. We live in a country where rain do come very often, so I guess it's ok to sulk once in a while. If it doesn't rain, don't worry, I'll sleep it off and wake up to a better morning ;) I hope.

Have a nice weekend everyone.

Blurry

The ever insecure mind has struck again.
Stuck between choices which was not meant to be in the first place.
Deciding whether to move abroad or to stay afloat
Hoping to still be in one piece when i walk out from this mess.

Sometimes I hate the me in me.
I never had the guts to be strong
Slowly it eats up my confidence
and buries my face in a six feet hole.

----------------------------------

A few days more till my escapade
My only time alone in nature's best gift

The beach !

I look forward to the sunset
The sinking feeling between the sands
and not the
The polluted sea water
or
The disguise breeze covered in haze

I hope it's gonna be a fine fine evening. Clear skies and good company.

A perfect match, a perfect getaway !

Intuition

I believe movies are made in such a way that it leaves a footprint in your heart. Some movies can make an impact so huge it changes a person's perception towards life.

Just the other day, i finally managed to watch "The break-up" and i'm no different from every other person who watched it, I actually hoped for a happy ending. Boy, i was so wrong.

That show made me realize there is no guarantee in this world. There's no such thing as a perfect couple or match made in heaven. It's hard to believe coming from a person who believes in love at first sight, but the reality is a harsh thing to deal with.

Who wouldn't one to have a soul mate to live happily ever after with, but only a handful succeeded in finding them. You can't basically look for them in the corner of the streets or strangers whom sat next to you during your train ride home.

MAybe love just come knocking on your door when you least expect it to be. And maybe it's up to you to make the best our of it? Who knows, it's just another worthless theory.

As for me, I'm not sure where to stand right now. Whether to believe or not to believe, because the only thing that makes me believe is you.

Buses

I was granted wings when i barely knew how to walk.

Decided to keep my wings and walk instead...

I didnt knew where I was going but it was indeed a long road. Not complaining at all cos somehow I enjoy the moment alone.

Along the way, there were nice samaritans who stopped and ask whether i needed a lift. I decline gladly because it wasn't time yet.

Everything looks foreign when you have noone to share it with.

So I finally i decided to stop and wait for the right bus to come along. Fortunately, it didn't took long and the bus i boarded was what I had dreamt off all the time.

Comfy, secure, relaxed and best of all, it was going the right direction. Needless to say, it was one of the time of my life. My legs are worned out and i badly need something to rely on to take me further.

Whilst I was in the bus, it went through seasons of rain and sunlight, been through bumpy roads and long winding pathways.

Just as I began to feel attached to it, the bus driver decided to drop me off. I was devastated because i knew i had to walk again. Wasn't given any valid reason, so I was left hanging.

Once again, I was left to use my tired legs to continue my search. For 5 long years, I've never once boarded another bus again because I knew, it will never be the same bus that I've been on before.

I was wrong. I saw the same bus that i boarded before right in front of my eyes and didnt flag it down.

I began my chase. and thankfully the bus stopped and pick me up. I sat down on the chair and began to feel at ease. Somewhat feeling that I've experienced before. The ambience and interior looks the same like it has never changed since i last recall.

Then it hit me, it's a completely different bus but the exact resemblence to the previous 1.
I smiled and doze off, hoping that it will bring me to where I'm supposed to be.

Been awhile...

Great to know that things are slowly falling into thier respective places. I'm so glad that the turbulence days are finally coming to an end. At least for momentarily.

Job is good, could have been worse. I've learned to live with it and it makes me a stronger person. Though, i'm not staying for long cos i don't enjoy what I'm doing. Especially when people screw u up at the very last minute and it wasn't entirely your fault. It get's depressing when you actually think of the nature of the work.

JAck the devil is finally back from the land of sheeps. Weeee! I sense much sins are on their way >;)
I am guilt-ridden from my previous antics of living in the shadow of alcohol weekly. So it's been awhile since my last sip and it starts to pay off cos i have more money for food ! Haha

Talking about food, the last time I weighed myself was back in April and back then it was 63 kg.
Now, i dare not step foot on the weighing machine again because ever since i found out that I am 7kg heavier, i wonder where did all the food add up to?? I don't look plump thank god for that, but the fact that every night of pounding on to supper and the lack of exercise really creeps me out of what i may become in the future. I don't want to be called a fatty =(

And Hell no i'm cutting down on food. I'll just continue eating till I realize that I don't have a neck,then I'll start applying for gym >.<

It was mid-autumn festival yesterday, and I somehow did something different compare to the previous years. Everyone deserves to celebrate it despite the heavy workload of assignments =)
Besides, it's the only day that you can actually lid a lantern and walk on the street without being catch by police . hehe

At the end of the day, I'm glad it brought smile to your face.

Who needs the moon when you can see someone else smiling? =)

Wake me up when September ends.

How can a month evolve a person into a complete stranger to himself?
I hardly know myself and i've forgotten what i pursue in life like i used to. It has been a very turbulence month for me from work to friends and towards someone whom i have affection for.

I knew disaster is bound to hit me one of these days from the procastination act that I have developed since beginning of the month. What's even more pathetic is the fact that only my blogs hear my whines. I'm so fucking introvert it depresses me whenever it pops into my head. I chose to live this way and it's my decision to stay that way.

I badly need a break from reality and jump straigth to a deserted island. Forget everything and start writing on the sand. Or deep into the water and scream as loud as I can. Honestly, I'm not happy at all , and if i'm smiling, it's just a mask.

My mom could see through my fragile face and jsut the other day, asked me whether everything is alright. I lied to her not wanting her to worry about me. She has enough worrying to do then to take care of me. I'm 24 for christsake, i need to sort it out myself. However, I'm not sure where to begin.

Morale has reduced to zero and the enthusiasm remains below par level. For the past few days, i've been a total moron neglecting alot in life which jeopardises my current state. All i can come up with are lame excuses to run away whenever i can. Dont remind me, i feel shitty myself.

Just today, I almost hit rock bottom and was trying real hard to climb back up and forget about the day. Ended up going against my words and commited a sin. Few puffs away and I'm back on my feet. I guess I'll be relying more on it than I used to.

Lucky for me, the night was fruitful with food and booze. It was one of the bosses birthday and we had a bash in the office. Managed to gobble up a few slices of pizza and was constantly hiding myself from being a victim of alcohol. Tried to hide many times, but many times I failed to do so. I wasn't drunk though, just enough to stay concious and drive back home.

There were girls, and it was wild. I stayed low profile but ended up being molested. =.=
Seriously. It was scary.

Then it came clear to me, it would have been better if I spoke with you tonight. It didn't happen but I thought about you throughout the night, where could you possibly be right now, or what you might be doing at that very moment.

Decided to call it a day so i drove home alone with David Tao playing on the background, I couldn't understand a single word he was singing, but it sure is depressing just to hear his voice..

It hit me so clearly then, that I actually do miss you.

Putra Jaya

Ever wonder what happen to your moolah from taxes? Part of it went to feed our beloved king and most of it went on to build roads .

I was driving in Putrajaya just yesterday ,trying to look for Carrefour but ended up getting lost in a land where state of the art buildings are built. One word, amazing !
If you are looking for really nice designs from buildings, putrajaya is the place. It really gives u the feeling that you are already in the future. The roads are so wide, it puts our highway to shame. The solar street lights blends in with its unique design. And guess what,there wasn't any rubbish anywhere on the road !

If you add concept cars into the picture, you'll get a taste of what future look like. However, your joy will only be shortlived, because during my journey, i could not spot a single chinese and indian soul walking or driving on the road. It creeps me out! Prolly hiding at home counting the chickens? Who knows.

Nevertheless, its a great place to stay if you are willing to give up entertainment and don't mind paying for tolls. In exchange, you'll get a peace and quiet home, away from pollution and traffic jams.

That's how i spend part of my Sunday. Getting lost =)

A happy post?

I wanted to be among those lucky people who found their soul mates, but being there just seem impossible right now.
And I thought the journey has begin, until it hit me that i'm not even close to the surface.
Do I step foot into the calm water and wait for it to ripple? I have doubts about going deep, for I may not know what's beneath the tempting water.

I walk alone sometimes, to the park nearby my house, or to the nearest burger stall just to satisfy my craving. Yea, I'm seriously out of my mind , alone outside in the neighbourhood , on foot in the dark and exposing myself to stray dogs and orang minyak. I needed time alone , so this is what I normally do when the sky turns dark and when i can't sleep. =)

I walk !

Crazy as it seems, somehow it calms my day and resets my tired mind. I don't carry my phone around , only few bucks enough for my burger and drinks in 7-eleven and not forgetting my ID of course. I live a very boring life now, revolves around work , friends, sleep, yumcha and looking forward to the weekend. Nothing spectacular to cheer about. Adding to the agenda is my will to finally stop smoking and booze. Occasionally drinking , maybe la, but right now, I'm back to second hand smoke.

Honestly, no apparent reason at all. Just feel like doing it =)
So far so good i guess.

I can feel the breeze coming through the window right now, so gentle and soothing, like someone breathing next to your skin. Ok this is irrelevant.

Weekend is nearby , and I hope it would be great ! Looking forward to it since my last break. I smell chillis ! =) IS the plan still on?

I wonder again.

Clear conscience!

So i made it through the weekend holding my thoughts to myself.

All i hear is echo bouncing back to me, random whispers buzzing my ear and still images running wildly in my mind. I never get the overall picture though, only blurry most of the time. Maybe I'm just being paranoia, who knows?

=)

I know loneliness is eating me up when I picture myself together with you on a beach and only to realize that it was only a dream.

I wish i could gather enough courage to tell you how i felt about you, especially when you just stood next to me and there's nothing I can do.

The times when you felt that your world is crumbling down because the person you love gave you up, but you didn't realize that there was another person who would give anything just to have that chance.

Why do you set a benchmark and let his world revolves around yours when all he did was break your heart?

You shut your heart and seal it tight as if he's the only one who has the permission to open it.

Sincerity has no limit and I'll keep pouring it to you, hoping one day you will finally pick it up and mend your broken heart.

Let me know, when I can stop chasing your shadows and start walking with you.

For I'll wait the day, when falling in love with you shows no fear of vulnerability but gives you the strength to move on together.




ps: i will post a happy entry next ok =) promise!

Trip through you

I am so tired
Bone-scratched and empty too
Always, I have waited but I've
Never known such wonder
And then you come and touch my face
Then you come convince me I'm safe

I trip through you.

Misery?

How would you know if you had sway from course of nature?

Diversified from the path that you planned to walk and into an abyss.

Knowing that what awaits you from the tiny fraction of light would not be what you were actually expecting.

and the fear of making the next step might ignite a bleak future.

The only thing i'm holding tightly on is hope.

Although hope is merely a word to comfort souls who are lost, i'm still clinging to it for I know it will lead me out from this misery.

what misery you say?

Walking alone in the valley of shadow of death.

KaCheeng !

I'm crapping , ignore this post .

Surviving !

I'm still standing !
I gotta reward myself for going through a week of gruesome working hours and constant away from office to be stucked in traffic jams around KL and still found it bearable to work.

Yippee ! in the process, i had a rift with 1 of the directors and fell sick the following day.

Truthfully speaking, I'm not entirely happy with everything ! I just don't know how to explain in detail what's really bothering me. It's like hanging on a tight rope and not knowing whether to move forward or go back to where you begin and realizing that any wrong turn u make, u'll end up falling into a pit.

I'm completely hopeless when it comes to making decisions.

In the midst of being occupied by workload and stressful environment, i think it's nice to receive
short smses on your whereabouts. It just made you feel good. Dont you think so?

And since then, I have always looked forward in seeing you , and somehow I did.

You gave me a sense of calmness and lifted the burden off my shoulder.

It keeps playing in my head, after sending you home, when will i get to see you again.

A bad twist of friendship.

It's amazing how friendship take a twist when misunderstanding pops up from nowhere

Honestly speaking, I have not a god damn clue what went wrong but somehow, when I came online i was left with an offline note asking me to delete photos in friendster and so on. Hmm clueless ??? Tell ME about it.

Is minding my own business a crime nowadays? I wonder..

Speaking about possesive boyfriend, geez, I've seen the worse today. Thanks for the eye opener.
And girl, it's a shame that this has to end,and I won't wreck your relationship with your bf. I never intended to anyway in the first place. If i did offend you in anyway or made it hard for you, I'm really sorry.

Life goes on, and I'm already in a mess right now with work. These will be the least of my problems. =)

Good luck to you and your future undertakings. Is dropping by a message on your birthday prohibited too? I hope not. Too hard to resist as it falls the same date as mine.

See ya.

Transition

It's Sunday night, I'm not somewhere near my usual hangout place. Stuck with no internet connection and relying on just a pen and paper to kill time.

Third day of long working hours already felt like 3 months of immense pressure. I'm drifting away into something I wasn't expecting. Never expected to be such a rough ride going through all these, from client's complain to travelling aimlessly and getting lost , dealing with promoters mood swing, being ffked by them at the very last minute and finding a replacement at the same time. Too much to bear if you look at it.

Welcome to the real event world.

Comparing this to support center, the turnover rate seems to be much higher. Human will always be human, there are bound to be excuses when an intention of slacking off is there.

I'm trying real hard to build an immune system to counter such event whenever it occurs to me. I guess I can handle the workload and stress at the moment. The thought of giving up came across my mind couple of times BUT it's not the time yet.
Besides, the real challenge haven't even started yet. I have to will to go on, just encouragement that i need.
I'm definitely not looking forward for the next meeting tomorrow discussing about the agenda so far. I need a kevlar vest, anyone has one?

Enough of whining >.<


I hate the fact of walking alone,
to some path I wish we could share,

I never skip thinking about you,
from the moment i open my eyes,
to the time I said goodnight,

most of the time it hurts,
as the more I care,
the further you run away.

I never had the chance to confess,
for I know I can never be another 'him'.
who treats you like a princess
And at times made you his queen.

I don't want to risk our friendship
to an unknown relationship ahead
Because knowing you right now,
is better than not knowing you at all.

I hope when the time is right,
you'll be there waiting,
Accepting a fool like me
willingly, with open heart.

the end.

Floating thoughts

My new job just started today and since then I've been feeling the workload pilling up my shoulders.

I realized i just signed a contract to slavery and the end of my social life. Remember I had a policy of not working on Sundays and it will take a shotgun in my face just to be in the office. I guess I've gone against my word and the meaning of 'relaxation' somehow just evaporized into thin air.

It's only the first day of work and I can forsee myself being a complete zombie for the coming weeks. Part of me hope that I can gather some free time and spend it with my friends and how I look at it , time is not letting me do it.

Yea it's that bad till I don't even remember when my off day is scheduled.

Everything has to start somewhere, and this is gonna be a test of how far I can actually push myself to go further. I enjoy what I'm doing right now ; meeting people and going places, and MAYBE make a name myself. Something is just missing right now and I don't have the courage to pursue it.

You'll know when you are old when ;
You see people your age getting married and start having children of their own.

You'll know when you are busy when;
The only time you eat lunch is by eating it in the office.

You'll know how small money value has become when;
The budget came out and cigerette price went up by 20%

You'll know your previous job sucks when;
the current one has all the benefits you always wanted.

You'll know when technology is the essential nowdays when;
There is no internet connection and you feel oh so shitty about it.

You'll know you miss a person;
When the only thing you look forward too is to see her by the end of the day.

You'll know the meaning of dissapointment;
When your chance of slight happiness ended with rejection.

You'll know the feeling of lost;
When you come home and contemplate on blank hope.

You'll know hope is just a word;
When the feeling for someone just echoes in your heart, and not reaching her.

That summarized my whole point for today. Nothing much about it, just something that I need to pen it down. Besides, this is the only place to turn to when I'm feeling down. I just need to whine, that's all =)

It' funny how I even have time to blog when it's supposed to be my bedtime.

Goodnight people. See you soon.

Farewell McAfee

It's never easy leaving memories behind. Especially something attached to you for some period of time and I really have a heavy heart leaving all of them behind me.

I just submitted my farewell letter and it sure hurts being in my shoe right now. I dare to say that I can never find colleagues better than what I already had before and to know them at some point in my life is something I would treasure it for the rest of my life.

Thank you all, for being such a great listener , helping me out in covering my ass, sharing laughters in 3rd floor , walking ridiculous distance just to have chinese food, login early for me when I'm due to arrive late, taught me about life and how to overcome the pressure, made me laugh, made me realised that working is not about getting your job done, but having fun while you are doing it and pointing out my mistakes just to make me a better person.

Arigato.

My sleeping habit is going from bad to worse and I don't have a clue on what is going wrong.
I don't want to rely on pills or substance to make me sleep =(

I have this sinking feeling deep within and I can't exactly pinpoint what is the main reason to this. I need to clear my head before my new job kick off. Somehow, I think it's girl related and I'm too afraid to face it.

Being me right now just sucks. Haih

Hold On Hope

Surprisingly, I actually enjoyed my Monday morning and to begin a day with a smile really lightens me up. Thanks for terrorising my meebo so early and keeping me awake, Meanie =)

I actually wanted to lay low on weekends , not drinking or partying but just doing some catching up with friends.Somehow it only worked on Friday and by the time Saturday kicks in, my hormones automatically ran wild and the urge of consuming alcohol made me change my mind.
I had an eye opener over the weekend and I can come to conclude that,

I don't like my friends when they are drunk =( . Boohoo

This doesn't mean that I dislike them, just that I don't like the sight of them when they are not themselves , basically pissed drunk. I'm stating in general not specifically so don't bombard me with hate remarks. Honestly speaking, I hate being wasted myself and having people to take care of me. I already vowed not to drink as much as I should , don't wanna exceed my limit and get carried away just to forget about the real world. I'll give a headstart and tell you guys if i really need to.

I may not be the wisest guy on planet, or the person who looked like he has any relationship experience, but one thing that I can assure you , whenever you need someone to talk to, to hear your problems or whine about how bad thing is, I will lend my ears to you. If you need a shoulder to cry on or a semi-chubby guy to hug, I'll willingly offer myself.

Relationships issue are always the main culprit when it comes to bringing someone down to his knees. What a person will do for love, it's beyond imaginable. The worst part of all these is being left hanging by a moment and not knowing what will turn out next. Being stuck in between choices of moving forward or letting go is never easy, especially from the one that you don't want to get hurt from.

Whether you like it or not, somethings just doesn't go your way and the only comfort that you can give yourself is to accept the way things are.

Torn between lovers or torn between those who can't forget about their past relationships are inevitable one of the most cruel feeling a person could get. Somehow you looked like the third party, the float or the rebounder and somehow, you ain't any one of them. You are just putting the blame on yourself because you can't seem to make things better. Try not to feel shitty bout the whole thing, and pray hard that your only buddy, TIME is there to ease what you are going through. To prolong or shorten the whole process, that my friend, depends on you.

It takes time to heal , it takes time to change, it takes time to accept. Show some sincerity , I bet one day she'll get the message. I hope =X

Believe in yourself. Don't walk away so easily , I'm sure that's the right thing to do.

;)

dedicate especially to my buddies.

cheers

Hugs and kisses

o o x x o o x x O o x


Hug hug kiss kiss hug hug kis kis Big hug small hug small kiss

Jack Black rox my sox ! Naaachoooooooooooooooo

Holiday no more

It's been a week huh.

Life seems to be passing by real quickly and somehow stays monogamous for me. My holiday ended in a brief note of not doing anything productive.Nevertheless, i enjoyed the fact that i met with couple of new friends along the line and getting to know more about someone better which i should have done a long long time ago.

My feelings for the work that i'm doing right now has reduced to zero. Maybe the holiday mood still kicks in, but I'm going real slow it's killing my brain cells. I don't squeeze my brain juice anymore and laze around it's sick to even know they are actually paying for what i do.

Please don't let my boss see this >.<

Anyhoo, everything has been great so far. I'm hoping the next company that I'll be in will benefit from my wisdom and charming personality. Yea right ! I know you guys are laughing out there ! Kaninia -.-

Seriously, things has been going real smooth sometimes it scares me. The only concern that I have right now is my health and universal problem, moolah/money, the root of all evil. (actually i think woman is the root to all evil =.= j/k )

I've been smoking like a chimney lately and I'm really concern about what I'll grow up to be when I turn 30 or maybe 40. My grandpa lived till 80+ with the consumption of nicotine every single day and I just don't feel like taking the same risk as him. Who knows right where I'll end up the very next second. See how la, I'll stop when the time is right. Please give some encouragement and not laugh about it =( it 's very de-motivating ya know .

Should I exercise more too? Just yesterday, I went shirtless and my lil cousin tap on my tummy and called me a fatty. So innocent yet so true. My tummy size has not slim down since the last time looked into the mirror. I don't want to be categorized under the obese category anywhere in the near future so Mom if you are reading this, please stop cooking nice food for me to eat ok ! Hehehe
( i know those of you who don't receive any home cook food very often at home are prolly having a grudge on me and feel like kicking my sorry ass rite? please don't , you are always welcome to my house and steal my food . =P )

The last thing i keep reminding myself is to stop consuming so much of alcohol during the weekends. August has been a killa month for me and my wallet. Let's see, I've been in clubs every single weekend and on weekdays 7-eleven became one of my best buddies. God knows how much my credit card bill will end up when the statement arrives early next month. The debts has been pilling up it doesn't depreciate. Yup, credit card is another thing that doesn't depreciate, so live with it ! =)

I----Needddd ---- Tooooo Stoppppp UUuussinnggg mMMmMmmyyyy Cccreeddiittt CccccArrrrRddd

I guess most of you knew that I was actually involved in a police raid last week in Passion rite? It was such a painful new experience. Imagine you can't go to toilet to pee or shit when you really have to. Thank god my bladder was good enough to let me go through 3 long hours of misery. Phhewww . I was in there most of the time when they inspected every single one, and there was this joker who said something like "Who da fark take drugs in this kindda place?"

Apparently, to my surprise there was more female who got caught then male. Those girls are really notti notti spank spank . I heard that there was this girl who had positive results kept on insisting that she didnt take it. Ajoh, be a woman ...do da right thing!!! Follow like those smart guys who were caught la, sit at the corner like a small kid and smile innocently.

So limember, when you want to go partay with your girlprens and boyboy, don't take dwugs ok.

Ok I'm crapping already. SEe ya'll in the future.

pics here

The real football icons !

My glory days.. three of us were the only chinese guys among the football team. Proud neh!


Champions FC. See the guy in the middle, next to the blue Nike cap? Superstar man! Patah tangan also still can play football. =)

Anyone willing to scan pics for me?